Reflect, rather than reload

How to process your triggers

When I was 8 years old, a trauma occurred to me in London that still affects me to this day. I was with my grandmother, visiting the side of the family that emigrated from Grenada to London as the Windrush generation.

The UK was rebuilding after World War II, and to fill shortages in the labor market, the government encouraged migrants from Caribbean countries that were under British rule at the time. The Empire Windrush was the first ship that brought these Caribbean passengers to London, in 1948.

My great uncles and aunts (we call aunties “tanties”), still had the Grenadian accent. But, their spawn did not — born and raised in London. I say “spawn”, because I’m going to work through a trigger right now in front of you.

A trigger is a reaction from your nervous system that there’s some unprocessed pain. You can have a painful or negative thought, and many times if you’re triggered, it provokes a physical reaction.

So, I’m happily playing with my cousins in my uncle’s house. Probably just had a scrumptious meal of some kind of curry dish and plantains.

Then the spawn, a 12-year-old handsome young lad (until he wasn’t), grabs my hands with a smile and bends my left thumb all the way back towards my wrist!

I screamed and cried in pain. The physical reminder lasted years while playing basketball, because if I caught a pass and didn’t spread my fingers just right to hold it tight, and the ball jammed my thumb just a little bit, I would feel the pain of 8-year-old me.

But wait. My thumb jam isn’t the trigger. It’s his voice. If I hear a man with his particular London accent, I just want to hightail the other way. It’s physically uncomfortable for me to hear a man speak this way. (It’s right up there with an accent from Leeds.)

I’m sorry, Idris Elba. I just can’t listen to you in interviews. Please speak with your American accent (couldn’t even tell you were from the UK!) as the intelligent, business-minded drug dealer in The Wire.

So, if you find yourself reacting “irrationally” to something or someone (it’s nothing they did that caused it), reflect rather than reload.

I heard someone mention that his mentor told him this phrase, and I thought it was brilliant. Reflect on the trigger, rather than becoming defensive or lashing out, ready to reload your weapon.

When you’re triggered, it’s an opportunity to learn. That unprocessed emotion is stuck energy in the body, and being triggered lets you know that the body just wants to release it.

One way to acknowledge and work through a trigger, is to use Byron Katie’s “The Work” process, found in her book Loving What Is.

As an example, I’ll go through this process myself with these questions:

What is the thought?
Men with that particular London accent are untrustworthy and dangerous.

Is that thought absolutely true?
I don’t know every man that speaks that way. The population is large. Of course there will be men who are trustworthy with that accent.

How do you react if you believe that thought?
I don’t want to be near men who have that particular London accent. They make me feel uncomfortable. I want to run away or “turn them off” from speaking.

Who, or what, are you without that thought?
Without that thought, I wouldn’t judge someone just because of the way they spoke. I would discern whether they were trustworthy or dangerous by getting to know them.

Now, reverse your statement (as applied to you and/or as applied to the other).
I judge those men, because I judge myself. (Applied to me)

If I were more open, then that would give men the space to be trustworthy and safe. (Applied to the other)

Is the reverse statement more true than the original statement?
Yes!

If the reverse statement is not more true than the original, then you’re not ready to let go of the original belief. That’s okay. Just take some time, then repeat the process.

I just let out a big breath. I still have that self-critic, and I still need to let myself be more vulnerable. I actually feel lighter. Work in progress!

And if you’d like to delve more deeply into Byron Katie’s “The Work” process, check out Loving What Is. (Note: As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases.)

Now, I’m going to go love myself and be soft…