Spanked in peace

I just played a tennis match and got spanked. And in no way, was it the good kind. But something happened the second set. I felt at peace.

I tried different things on my opponent. Some of them worked for a while. When they stopped working, I switched my mindset from “there’s no way I can go out like this” to “let me see what I can do, point by point.”

I had some fabulous, well-constructed points, of which I’m very proud. And then from point-by-point, I focused on shot-by-shot, within the point.

It was freeing. I didn’t feel pressure that I was letting my team down. I put no pressure on myself. I felt peaceful playing. It was meditative.

I don’t remember ever feeling like that on the tennis court. I just let all expectations go and was fully present. I wasn’t sad or mad at the end. I was actually content.

Being fully present not only works for tennis matches. It works for the dips in life as well.

That feeling of perfect surrender reminded me of when I felt that way last.

It was the last day I saw my last boyfriend. I think he was feeling out of control, and the way that I reacted to his pain was the opposite of what he needed.

So, on the very last day, it escalated to him telling me to move out of our home, which was under my name. And I was so relieved, because I felt that if I had left him, he would have inflicted serious bodily harm upon me.

And I was still relieved when he grabbed me, hit me, and then his 6’4, ex-professional athlete frame head butted me.

I thought he was going to kill me. The only time I ever thought I was going to die in an instant. And I resigned myself to surrender at my last moment on this physical plane.

I was at peace. I felt I had mattered. I had given love. I had received love. I had wanted the best for the world. I could go.

This type of surrender is not weak. It’s not giving up. It’s the most wonderful, light feeling of peace.

Know you can feel this way in all circumstances (and may you not have a sore forehead for six weeks afterwards).