Calling you out
In third grade, my teacher gave us a star for every day a student behaved well.
Mrs. Orlando looked just like Dolly Parton, with a blond beehive and all. I thought she was a brilliant angel.
I still remember Mrs. Orlando’s explanation to me when I struggled with spelling business. It’s “busy plus ness, and remember the ‘y’ turns into an ‘i’.” You’re so smart, Dolly.
One week, Friday afternoon came. Mrs. Orlando handed out candies to the students that had received five stars. There usually weren’t that many that received this illustrious prize.
I was usually one of the first to receive my week’s end sweet (and I received one every week), so I was surprised when she didn’t get to me after two or three students got their pick. One more treat was handed out, then she turned and went to the front of the class.
What? How could that be? There must be a mistake. Is it possible I misbehaved one day this week?
And then the water works began. I cried and cried and cried.
My head was down, then Mrs. Orlando appeared by my side. “Oh look,” she said pointing to her paper of student stars, “I must have missed one star for you. Here’s a treat.”
It was a momentary relief. I stopped crying, and I probably didn’t even taste the goods because of my stuffy noise.
But, Mrs. Orlando, you and I both know I didn’t get a star that week. In my quest for perfection, I was merely appeased into being “perfect.”
I wanted so badly to be seen as having value, and I thought the best way to do it was by getting the best grades, following orders, and never causing trouble.
Of course, in this instance I was most certainly the squeaky wheel that got the grease. And I can just imagine how this incident must have felt to another student that came close in stars, but didn’t get any candy.
Does appeasement ever really help? Maybe momentarily, but most likely the appeaser becomes resentful and the appeased doesn’t ever have to self-reflect.
In my case, I had a mother that definitely let me know I wasn’t perfect. I think being perfect was for my dad, but that’s a whole other writing.
It’s much easier to evolve if you have someone in your life who calls you out on your stuff. In a loving way, and with discernment. In a way you can truly hear what they’re saying.
If you don’t have someone in your life who calls you out, you’re the one probably being appeased. Let someone know, who has your best interest at heart, that you’re open to receiving a call-out or two, in order to be your best self.
And if there’s someone in your life that’s lived a life of being appeased, ask whether they’re open to a call-out. Handle with care. It’s a loving thing to do.
